ye old joke thread #2

[SCUMBAG]

ok so i posted a couple of theses at sq forums while pit was down
but we need a new joke thread so here'tis!





A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Frankston
Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the
way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W - nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:"Of course they
bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one,she's 7. Why the
hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look
alike, ya di*kead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
would f**k you twice!"

[SCUMBAG]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


_______________



ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_______________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan
____________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
______________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
____________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
____________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
___________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
_____________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
__________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WIT NESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[SCUMBAG]

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse.
Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she
had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather
upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if
anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't
pop up right then. But, as she turned back, there,
standing next to her, was a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day,
Madame how may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and
acting as though nothing had happened she smiled
back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of
this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm
very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching
it, you are going to shit when you hear the price".

[..ME..]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel...

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead from exhaustion. The nun and the priest surveyed their situation and after a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we will survive more than a day or two."

"I'm afraid I agree", said the priest and then he added hesitantly, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you mind doing something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty."

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's private part. May I possibly I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?"

The priest reluctantly consented and after a few moments he found he was quite aroused.

"Sister," he whispered, "Do you know that if I insert this in exactly the right place, it can produce life?"

"Is that really true, Father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Well then quick! Stick it in that camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

[..ME..]

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.

The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

[..ME..]

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
"Ames"
"Here!"

"Jenson"
"Here!"

"Jones"
"Here!"

"Magersky"
"Here!"

"Seeback"
" -- "

"Seeback!"
" -- "

"SEEBACK!!!"
" -- "

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

[..ME..]

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."

The shocked woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language will not be tolerated in this bank."

The teller storms away from the window and marches over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager assures the teller that she does not have to listen to such foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see , " says the manager, "and is this damn bitch giving you a hard time?"

[Greatbloke]

I could see the tag line comming a mile off "Me", but I still LOLed.

[..ME..]

ok, new mission: "post 2 jokes a week" lol, dont know if itll work or what but ill start off like that..




There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''

The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.

At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''

The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

[..ME..]

[SCUMBAG]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home,
having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.

One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off
the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't
get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that
she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at
her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years
of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom
she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

[SCUMBAG]

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle packing factory.
For many years he had a powerful urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to dismiss the thought he sought professional help. After six monthly sessions, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it
or he would never have peace of mind.
Several days later, Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Sarah, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the Pickle slicer. He went on to explain that he finally went ahead, did it and had just been fired from his job.
Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
Looking up she said, "Yossel, I don't understand. What happened with the pickle Slicer"
>>
>>
>>Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."

[..ME..]

hahahhahahahhah thats rather gold

[SCUMBAG]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.



The librarian says; "F... off", you won't bring it back!!!!!!!

[SCUMBAG]

It was entertainment night at the old folks home, and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here
to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd was
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch
until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces......................... "SH*T!" said
the hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the old folks home